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Summary: Self-reflection fosters growth, while triangulation creates distance—true connection requires direct engagement and awareness.
As clinicians, we often see clients who come to therapy looking for clarity—seeking to understand why they feel disconnected from themselves or their relationships. Many people wait until a crisis or major life event forces them to evaluate their path. They ask themselves: What have I learned? What have I accomplished? And was it enough? But waiting until the end of the road to seek validation doesn’t change what has already happened. Instead, I encourage my clients to assess and reflect as they go—not as a means of judgment, but as a way to activate meaningful change in the present moment.
Self-reflection isn’t about criticism or shame; it’s about deepening awareness and creating space for intentional growth. If we wait until hindsight is all we have, we miss the opportunity to shift patterns and make choices that align with who we are becoming. In therapy, I encourage clients to step into self-reflection as an active process—something that informs their relationships, their desires, and their personal evolution.
This becomes especially important when we examine the interplay between the intrapersonal (our relationship with ourselves) and the interpersonal (our relationship with others). When people struggle with their inner world—feelings of insecurity, avoidance, or unresolved wounds—it often manifests in their external relationships. And one of the most common ways this happens is through triangulation.
Triangulation, a concept developed in Bowenian therapy, occurs when a third party (a child, a friend, a family member, work, or even a belief system) is brought into a relationship as a way to avoid direct conflict or discomfort between two partners. It can happen unconsciously, but over time, it erodes the connection between partners, as they begin to invest more energy in the outside source rather than addressing the root of their struggles.
Some common examples of triangulation include:
Triangulation provides temporary relief—it dilutes the problem and allows partners to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths. However, as time passes, unresolved issues compound, making the original problem more difficult to untangle.
One of the most important steps in breaking the pattern of triangulation is recognizing when it’s happening. As therapists, we can help clients explore:
Instead of relying on external distractions, couples can learn to become a strong base for one another—cultivating trust, emotional safety, and open communication. When they step out of triangulation and into direct engagement, they create a relationship that is built on mutual understanding rather than avoidance.
The Clinician’s Role: Guiding Clients Toward Awareness and Change
As therapists, we hold space for our clients to reflect without shame, to see their patterns with clarity, and to recognize that change is possible in the present—not just in hindsight. By helping them develop awareness around triangulation and avoidance, we empower them to strengthen their relationships with both themselves and their partners.
True connection begins when we stop outsourcing our discomfort and start doing the work of self-awareness. The relationship with ourselves informs every other relationship we have. When we nurture it with intention, honesty, and presence, we create space for deeper, more authentic connections—both within and beyond us.
Much respect,
Melinda Porter, MA, LPC-S, CST-S, CNM
