As Therapist: What Happens When We Step Out of Our Own Way?

We all see barriers in front of us—some real, some self-imposed, and some we swear are immovable, like a boulder made of excuses. And let’s be honest, sometimes those excuses are entirely valid. But what if fear and self-doubt stepped aside for a moment? What would happen then?

This is a question I love to ask, especially when I feel overwhelmed as a clinician. And whether you’re a fellow therapist, a client, or just someone wandering the internet and stumbling upon this blog, let’s brainstorm some ways you might be getting in your own way—and what happens when you move aside.

Differentiation and the Art of Autonomy

One of my favorite concepts in relationships is differentiation of self—the ability to stay connected while maintaining your own autonomy. When we stop blaming others (even if we have very compelling arguments for doing so), we are left with the uncomfortable but empowering realization that we have choices.

This applies to therapists just as much as clients. One of the biggest struggles I see in supervision is the push-and-pull between fusion and cutoff in the therapist-client relationship. Many clinicians feel like they have to either merge with their clients’ emotions (fusion) or completely detach to protect themselves (cutoff). But in reality, differentiation lives in the space between.

The Magic of Choice

Murray Bowen, who gifted us the differentiation concept, visualized this spectrum with fusion on one end and cutoff on the other. The sweet spot? Choice. The ability to decide, moment by moment, what best serves the client—without reacting from your own discomfort.

If your instinct is to cut off, pause and ask yourself:
   •   Am I stepping away because it’s clinically appropriate?
   •   Or am I uncomfortable, so I’m removing myself to self-soothe?

If you tend to fuse, consider:
   •   Am I stepping in to scaffold and support growth?
   •   Or am I stepping in to rescue because sitting in discomfort feels unbearable?

These seemingly small distinctions are what help us sharpen our skills, ensuring we stay present and effective—no matter what comes up in session.

So, What Happens When You Get Out of Your Own Way?

You get clarity. You get choice. You get freedom. You start operating from intention rather than reaction. And let’s be real—if we could all master this, therapy (and life) would feel a lot smoother.

So whether you’re a clinician navigating the therapy room, a client doing the hard work, or a human just trying to get through the day, I invite you to ask: What would happen if you stepped aside and let possibility take the lead?

You’re doing amazing work out there.

‍

Much respect,
Melinda Porter

‍