The Hardest Relationship I Built Was with Myself

Looking for Balance

For a long time, I believed that my identity was something shaped in relation to others. Who I was—or how I was—depended on the dynamics of my relationships. The idea of being with myself, truly alone, felt foreign. It wasn’t that I didn’t value solitude; I just didn’t know how to exist outside of the context of being a partner, a friend, a family member, or a professional.

It took time, introspection, and, most importantly, the guidance of some incredible therapists to show me that the most foundational relationship I could ever build was the one with myself. They helped me understand who I was, separate from anyone else’s expectations or needs. They guided me in recognizing my desires, boundaries, and values—not as something contingent on others, but as essential truths of my own.

Learning to Be Alone Without Feeling Lonely

One of the biggest shifts in my journey was learning to sit in my own company without feeling restless or incomplete. I had to dismantle the belief that being alone meant being lonely. Instead, I learned that solitude could be rich, restorative, and even joyful. I discovered that I had thoughts, dreams, and emotions that were worth exploring—not for the sake of sharing with someone else, but simply because they mattered to me.

Taking Care of Yourself Isn’t Selfish

Society often praises selflessness, making it easy to believe that prioritizing our well-being is selfish. But the truth is, the stronger our intrapersonal relationship—the relationship we have with ourselves—the healthier and more balanced our interpersonal relationships become. When we take care of ourselves emotionally, physically, and mentally, we don’t just benefit ourselves; we bring a fuller, more authentic version of ourselves into our relationships.

When we neglect our own needs, we often look to others to fill the gaps, placing unrealistic expectations on our partners, friends, or family. But when we nurture ourselves, we can show up for others from a place of love and strength, rather than depletion and resentment.

Finding Balance Between Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Relationships

Building a strong relationship with yourself doesn’t mean rejecting connection with others. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The more in tune you are with yourself—your emotions, needs, and boundaries—the deeper and healthier your connections with others can be. Balance comes from knowing that your well-being matters just as much as those you care for.

Rather than losing yourself in relationships, ask yourself:

  •   Am I honoring my own needs as much as I honor others’?

  •   Do I communicate my feelings and boundaries, or do I suppress them to keep the peace?

  •   Am I giving myself the same kindness, love, and patience that I give others?

A Relationship That Never Ends

Unlike relationships with others, my relationship with myself is one that will never end. It requires care, attention, and ongoing effort. There are still moments when I forget to prioritize it—when I slip into old patterns of looking outward for validation or lose myself in the expectations of others. But now, I recognize when it happens. And I know how to come back to myself, to the foundation I’ve built.

Building a relationship with myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But it was also the most important. Because at the end of the day, the way I show up for myself determines how I show up for everything else in my life.

So, I invite you to take a moment today. Reflect, journal, and ask yourself: How am I showing up for me?

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Much Respect,

Melinda Porter