Staying Present: Building Emotional Intimacy by Knowing Which Part Is Driving

One of my favorite conversations to have with clients is about parts—those different, internal versions of ourselves that show up in relationships.

Each part has its own story, skills, and survival strategies, and they’ve all played a role in shaping who we are today.

A metaphor I often use is the idea of driving a car. Ideally, our frontal lobe—the logical, resourceful, grounded part of us—is in the driver’s seat. It’s present, attuned, and equipped to handle the moment. But in that car with us are all our other parts: our five-year-old self, our ten-year-old self, our teenage self—every version of us that’s learned something along the way.

And usually, they just ride along quietly. Until something happens.

Triggers:

A smell. A sound. A touch. A tone. Suddenly, the amygdala kicks into gear. They remember. They store sensations in our nervous system and say, “Wait—I’ve been here before. I know what to do.”

But the strategies they use might be from decades ago. They override the frontal lobe, because in that moment, they don’t trust it. And now, a younger version of us is responding—with the emotional regulation and relational skills they had at the time. Maybe a five-year-old is now in a conversation about your marriage. Or a scrappy 13-year-old is suddenly arguing with your partner.

It’s no wonder we might look back on an argument and think, “Why did I respond like I was seven?”
Because maybe… the seven-year-old really was driving.

This is why regulation is so important. ( DBT skills, grounding, awareness of present time and space)

_{Taking a pause. Pull the car over. Noticing which part of you is present. Asking: What does this part need right now? Then, gently helping that part move to the back seat, headphones on, maybe a snack in hand—while your frontal lobe steps back into the driver’s seat.}

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What we’re talking about here are the very normal, very human parts of ourselves that have helped us survive. Parts that were essential at one time—and are still deserving of our respect and validation.

Personally, most of my parts are pretty great (not perfect). But my 13-year-old? She’s scrappy. When she jumps into the conversation, I know I need to regulate, and fast. We all have that part.

The work in long-term relationships, marriages, or polycules is learning how to stay differentiated—how to remain your full self while still deeply connected. How to engage with emotional intimacy while honoring autonomy.

So as you reflect on your relationships, ask yourself:
   •   Who’s driving when you’re communicating?
   •   Are you responding from your present self, or from a part that was once protecting you?
   •   How can you hold space for that part, while still moving forward with your whole self?

The more we understand these parts and help them regulate, the more space we create for true emotional intimacy—with ourselves, and with those we love.

Much Respect,
Melinda Porter

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